The Master Review


In the Second World War, a young man by the name of Freddie serves in the American Navy. He is an alcoholic with a talent for making drinks from paint thinners and other harmful substances. On a beach as navy men make the figure of a naked woman in the sand, Freddie simply comes over and lies down on it and attempts to have sex with it. At first they laugh thinking that he is just joking but as Freddie continues to shake and hug the sand sexually, they realize that he is weird. They stay away from him and he is also in his own world lazing under the sun and not saying much. Even the navy establishment realizes that he has problems and the shrink gives him an evaluation. But that is all the Navy can do with someone that strange.

The Second World War ends and Freddie enters civilian life as a photographer in a high end shopping mall. This seems like a great job, as Freddie is a good photographer and has a hot girl friend who works there as a model. Women are attracted to Freddie and Freddie is not boring. He is simply detached and has a severe drinking problem. He gets into a fight with a client, is fired, and now roams America aimlessly. All this is established in an absorbing and believable manner by the one and only Joaquin Phoenix as Freddie.

Then there is the chubby charismatic man who is known as ‘The Master,’ a rich novelist who has a cult following. This character and his story are based on the founder of Scientology. The Master interviews people and records their answers on tape. He has devised a technique which he claims allows people to recall events from their ‘past lives!’ Say you have a fear of heights, its because thousands of years ago, as a caveman you fell from some mountain and now in these modern times, in your current body, you resent tall buildings.

Some of us have become too rationale because we drive on the road and do technical things like playing cd player, and tell microwave exactly how many seconds it should heat the food. We live with cell phones and ever present electricity and too many ceiling lights. But try to really understand the emotional weakness which the Master is exploiting. Feeling lazy and don’t like your co-worker? Its because in Ancient Egypt he was your sworn enemy and you were a Pharaoh and he pushed you into the Nile. Don’t like your job? How can you, when you were a pirate who lived free and wild four hundred years ago in the Bahamas. Who wouldn’t want to believe such things?

By the way this film does not move fast and is even boring at times. But it will stay with you because when Freddie comes into contact with the Master, a very great philosophical question is being asked and it is also answered. Not by one dialog or some clever one liner, but all the scenes are adding up to a realization which you can take with you. I say no more because it should be experienced.

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A Letter from Alex

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An Audio Review of Hunger Games!

Full Trailer of The Hunger Games

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Sometimes we say things…

Some things were said that perhaps should not have been said

Things got heated between Banana and KitKat today. The KitKat, a sleek desirable chocolate, made crunchy by wafers and desired all over the world, made a scathing attack on Banana who was minding his own business and being nutritious. But before we accuse the KitKat of arrogance, let us acknowledge its many contributions. Hard working, decent people in offices and tall buildings often rush to the vending machine to obtain energy and sustenance from this crunchy delight.

Tell me something, are you serious about Kitkat? Do you want to learn about it? Are you willing to knock on doors and discuss KitKat with your neighbors? Then look below.

(Information obtained from http://www.nestleprofessional.com/uk/en/SiteArticles/Pages/History_of_KitKat.aspx)

When I explained this background to Banana, he mocked KitKat with even more arrogance and called it a “freaking candy.” And then he shouted.
“Do you know WHO I AM?”
I just kept silent because I know when people get like that, they don’t listen. Banana had more to say about his background.
“My family goes so far back that your silly website does not have enough room for a Banana Time Line. We were loved by the ancients! Early Greeks, Latin, and Arab writers wrote about us. Alexander the Great discovered bananas on his journey to India and found them to be tasty. Do you know that we bananas are 75% water?”
“I did not know that…”
“Of course you didn’t you were too busy wasting your life, drawing silly Time Lines for that KitKat…what software did you use?”
“Just the paint program, it comes with Windows. If you click on Start menu… ”
“Like I care! We compliment your cereals, we are easy to carry, easy to peel, and healthy to eat. Case closed!”

Or is it?

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Cheese Spirituality

Cheese and Grapes #2
PetitPlat – Stephanie Kilgast / Foter

When ever I feel the need to get in touch with my spiritual side, I go to the Cheese section at Wegmans. I like the Dutch Gouda. Its creamy yellow with a red wax covering. Even the Bible mentions that King David was served cheese. In Ancient Rome bread was part of religious worship. Carbohydrates brought you closer to the Gods. I would add cheese to the ritual. I think any religion that involves the eating of cheese would be an instant success. Just look at that picture. Its calling you.

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A Little Too Serious Mr. Bond?

Excited that Bond is coming in November, but also concerned about the increasingly serious mood of 007. Yes I know, the film makers want to explore the dark side of Bond. This is why we see him being analyzed by some kind of doctor. The sick thing is that the doctor actually looks like a doctor. Its not even a stunning woman who wants him. I know what the film makers are going for. They want it to be deep. They want to ‘disturb’ us. But what do we want? We who buy popcorn and sit in theaters. We want Dr. Evil, we want an ivory colored submarine furnished with thick Persian rugs and roaming Siberian tigers, beautiful women who jet ski gracefully against the light of the setting sun, who laugh at danger, amazing gadgetry that allows an I-Phone to turn into a space ship. We want you to drive a Ferrari through the appliance section of Macy’s. We want some kind of laser to melt glaciers on the north pole all planned by a super villain with an exciting girl friend in a mink coat. That’s what we want.

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President Clinton Reveals His 2 Favorite Films!

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Snow White and the Huntsman


In the age of twitter and I-Phones we are becoming more and more distant from the problems of royalty. Yes an evil queen has killed the king and taken over and yes she has imprisoned the princess in a tall tower which is not like Marriott’s. But isn’t that what royals do all the time? Poisoning, spying, sword fighting, eating grapes…Even if the ‘rightful’ owner of the throne is rescued we find ourselves asking, ‘did we vote for this weird person in a funny hat?’ But this film appears to be visually stunning. And how can you go wrong with two of the hottest women in hollywood trying to kill each other? I know that Charlize Theron is evil in this film but I might still be cheering for her. I like how they turned the magic mirror into a molten statue because you don’t want the thing to look like skype.

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Long Live Eccentrics Who Wear Strange Things

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Hunger Games In Ancient Rome

Bread was also distributed for free or at low prices to the people in ancient Rome.

Marcus Vergilius Eurysaces was a baker in Rome. He lived around 2050 years ago making tasty things for the people of the city. I had the opportunity to travel back in time and meet him at his bakery which was very busy. A lot of baking, kneading and needing was going on. It was a fulfilling experience:

Minhaj: Hi There. I have traveled two thousand years back in time to see you.

Vergilius: Welcome to Rome and to my bakery. My name is Vergilius Eurysaces.

Minhaj: May I call you Vergi?

Vergilius: Why would you do that?

Minhaj: To make it short.

Vergilius: WHY?

Minhaj: Look, there is some misunderstanding here due to time difference. I meant no disrespect. We are both humans, so lets just relax.

Vergilius: I am calm now.

Minhaj: Okay…so…wow, this is some place. You have so many ovens, and people mixing dough. It smells great! I see happy customers. You also have delivery men who are taking the bread all over the city.

Vergilius: Yes I have done well. Do you know I used to be a slave?

Minhaj: Get lost!

Vergilius: What do you mean?

Minhaj: Oh its just a modern way of saying, ‘get out of here!’

Vergilius: Why would I do that?

Minhaj: Please just go on with your story.

Vergilius: I was once a slave, and then I worked hard and became free. Did all kinds of jobs to survive in this city. Finally got into baking.

Minhaj: Why Baking?

Vergilius: Hey that’s what men do right?

Minhaj: Yeah we like to bake.

Vergilius: Exactly. I thought about becoming a barber but then I thought you can’t go wrong with a bakery here in Rome. Romans love bread. They use breads in weddings and religious ceremonies and we have so many Gods, business is great!

Minhaj: What a way to please the Gods! Eating cake!

Vergilius: Yes exactly. The demand is so great here. But not just quantity, people demand quality as well. This is why the high quality bread is labeled PRIMUS.

Minhaj: Which means prime?

Vergilius: Yes. The best quality that you serve at parties and to important people like senators and plumbers.

Minhaj: so if someone was on a low carb diet what would you say to them?

Vergilius: Don’t come to Rome! Do you know we have 250 bakeries here in the city! We supply all kinds of breads all over the city. You can’t avoid it.

Minhaj: You seem happy.

Vergilius: What can I say? I am rich, I eat doughnuts, I am a member of a powerful guild.

Minhaj: You have a guild?

Vergilius: Oh yeah, all the bakers of Rome have formed a guild, we are powerful and prosperous.

Minhaj: So what do you guys talk about at meetings?

Vergilius: Just the usual stuff, who makes how much dough…

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A Word from Ancient Greece


Croutons are of course those crunchy tasty things we put in salads. But today I want to talk about Croton which was a Greek colony in southern Italy. Two thousand six hundred years ago Croton was famous for producing very good doctors and athletes. These athletes even led their fellow citizens in war. One such champion wrestler was Milo who exercised, ran and ate tasty olives in Croton. He became famous because he achieved Akoniti.

What is Akoniti and why should you care? Akoniti literally meant, without touching the dust. This title was given to Milo who was so strong that participants would withdraw from the contest to avoid facing him. It seems to me that the Ancient Greeks were really into winning. You don’t find many stories about people who came fourth in a race or even seventeenth. History has forgotten them. It is said that when Milo was walking over to receive yet another prize, he tripped and fell. The audiences joked, that he was no longer Akoniti because he had touched the dust. And so the Greeks loved games so much they even played with a difficult word like Akoniti. That takes talent.


Note: A mysterious visitor who has knowledge of the Greek language corrected my spelling and understanding of the word Akoniti. Credit and best wishes.

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Ancient Roman Soldier Blames Hollywood


I traveled two thousands years back in time for an exclusive interview with a Roman Soldier.

INTERVIEW


Minhaj: Hi There!

Soldier: How is it going?

Minhaj: I was expecting you to say something like ‘Halt’ or ‘Who goes there?’

Soldier: People have all kinds of expectations from us. But we are just normal men in skirts.

Minhaj: So do you like what you do?

Soldier: Its a job like anything else. The retirement benefits are good. We get land and money after 25 years of service. But let me tell you we work hard every day.

Minhaj: Do you? My impression of you ancient Romans is that you are always attending banquets with very extensive menus. A roasted pig with an apple in its mouth, gold cups of wine, laughter and merriment. Chariot racing…lots of travel and affairs with beautiful women like Cleopatra.

Soldier: Believe me that was just the recruitment poster. Once we join the army we are kept busy all day.

Minhaj: Of course conquering and fighting is a lot of work.

Soldier: Even in peace time, there is so much to do.

Minhaj: like what? Sleeping? Eating olives?

Soldier: No! All day we spend our time building roads. We align large stones. We also dig the ground to make canals.

Minhaj: wow…no time for Cleopatra I guess.

Soldier: Yeah, those are just fantasies. Even at night I have cooking duties. We have to grind grain to make porridge which is what we eat mostly.

Minhaj: So you eat cereals and conquer the world.

Soldier: Yup. Our diet is mostly vegetarian. We also do drills constantly and march 20 miles a day carrying up to 90 pounds in armor and supplies. How was your day?

Minhaj: I walked over to caribou and drank hot chocolate. I also went to Whole Foods. Their cookies section exceeded all my expectations. I have to say though that your life is tougher than what I imagined.

Soldier: seriously that’s how it is here. Try to understand us instead of relying on Netflix.

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Columbiana: Revenge is Beautiful (and sometimes unbelievable)

Spoiler Alert: This review will reveal how the film ends

Cataleya, a beautiful and nimble assasin is hunting for her parent’s killer. She can climb walls, and move through the ventilation shaft swiftly and kill people while looking great. She is very good with guns and explosives but she is also artistic. When she kills a person, she likes to draw a flower on her victim’s body. Its her signature and her way of sending a message to the killer of her parents. She doesn’t believe in email. After several killings the strategy does work and Cataleya is able to track down her parent’s killer. He is an evil man who lives in a fortified mansion and runs a criminal organization in sunny South America.

Cataleya alone attacks this heavily guarded mansion using her gymnastic skills to kill the guards. As they quickly fell dead, the question came to mind, Who hired these incompetent guards? The mansion guards must have lied on their resume. Nonsensical lies such as, I have 5 years experience in defending fortified mansions, I can shoot an intruder and I am very difficult to kill and have some knowledge of HTML. As Cataleya attacks them they always forget to look left or behind and that is exactly where she is standing with a gun. If they were looking up then she was beneath them or when they are looking down she is on the roof. Her feats would not qualify as athletic but more magical. We are not shown how she gets on the roof so quickly or always finds that one hidden spot where no one is looking. She just does it because she is beautiful and angry and the laws of physics respect her too much to interfere with her mission.

After killing all the guards, Cataleya now challenges the Vice President of this evil organization. For some reason the fight turns into a hand to hand combat in one of the bedrooms. At one point Cataleya uses a toothbrush to attack him. I felt this dental approach was unprofessional. You can’t kill the Vice President of an evil organization with a toothbrush! He worked very hard to get to that position. He deserves some respect, at least kill him with a knife or blow him apart with a machine gun. I know its fashionable these days for assassins to use whatever they can get their hands on, but using a toothbrush in a fight to death is going too far. And where does this end? Will she strangle him with dental floss? Will she make him gargle for more than 30 seconds with mint flavored Scope all the while berating him about his irregular flossing?

Finally we get to the main villain who is hiding in a secret room with a religious statue. While it is only natural to turn to God at times of stress it was also dissapointing that this most evil man, the big boss of this very evil group had no guts. He was the whole reason why Cataleya existed. He was the reason she had become such an amazing killer and roof climber and an unbeatable player of hide & seek. Sadly he shows no initiative and simply flees his own mansion, yelling something along the lines of I will get you for this. He finds a truck and drives away angrily. But does this parent killing, God fearing man get away? Yes but only far enough to fall into Cataleya’s trap. You see inside the truck are two very aggressive dogs, that Cataleya had been training. At her command, they attack the evil man, and shred him to pieces, eating him alive as he howls in pain. I guess in this last moment the movie does defy cliches and stereotype because the notion that dog is man’s best friend is severely challenged. Let that be a lesson for anyone who lives in a fortified mansion and hires guards who lie on their resume.

Click to Watch Trailer:

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How to Win a Wrestling Match in Ancient Athens

Games were held in ancient Athens to celebrate religious festivals…and I don’t mean boring board games. Ancient Athenians were very hands on. They had events like horse racing, long jump and wrestling. Physical fitness, they felt, would please the Gods. Times were different back then. Boxing was worship. So how could an athlete win a wrestling match? There was no concept of technical knock out or ‘hey you tried and that’s what counts…well done to the both of you…lets call it a draw…in a way we are all winners.’ They were not like that. Victory went to one man. The wrestler could only win by dropping his opponent to the ground 3 times. So if you have access to a time machine, you are about to travel 2500 years back in time, and want to pursue a career in wrestling, this blog has really really helped you. Do mention Hi There News in your victory speech and enjoy the olives. Good luck on your journey and pack light because they wrestled naked.

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Who are the Desis?

Join the Desi adventure…

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