A Word from Ancient Greece

Croutons are of course those crunchy tasty things we put in salads. But today I want to talk about Croton which was a Greek colony in southern Italy. Two thousand six hundred years ago Croton was famous for producing very good doctors and athletes. These athletes even led their fellow citizens in war. One such champion wrestler was Milo who exercised, ran and ate tasty olives in Croton. He became famous because he achieved Aknoite. What is Aknoite and why should you care? Aknoite literally meant, without touching the dust. This title was given to Milo who was so strong that participants would withdraw from the contest to avoid facing him. It seems to me that the Ancient Greeks were really into winning. You don’t find many stories about people who came fourth in a race or even seventeenth. History has forgotten them. It is said that when Milo was walking over to receive yet another prize, he tripped and fell. The audiences joked, that he was no longer Aknoite because he had touched the dust. And so the Greeks loved games so much they even played with a difficult word like Aknoite. That takes talent.

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Ancient Roman Soldier Blames Hollywood


I traveled two thousands years back in time for an exclusive interview with a Roman Soldier.

INTERVIEW


Minhaj: Hi There!

Soldier: How is it going?

Minhaj: I was expecting you to say something like ‘Halt’ or ‘Who goes there?’

Soldier: People have all kinds of expectations from us. But we are just normal men in skirts.

Minhaj: So do you like what you do?

Soldier: Its a job like anything else. The retirement benefits are good. We get land and money after 25 years of service. But let me tell you we work hard every day.

Minhaj: Do you? My impression of you ancient Romans is that you are always attending banquets with very extensive menus. A roasted pig with an apple in its mouth, gold cups of wine, laughter and merriment. Chariot racing…lots of travel and affairs with beautiful women like Cleopatra.

Soldier: Believe me that was just the recruitment poster. Once we join the army we are kept busy all day.

Minhaj: Of course conquering and fighting is a lot of work.

Soldier: Even in peace time, there is so much to do.

Minhaj: like what? Sleeping? Eating olives?

Soldier: No! All day we spend our time building roads. We align large stones. We also dig the ground to make canals.

Minhaj: wow…no time for Cleopatra I guess.

Soldier: Yeah, those are just fantasies. Even at night I have cooking duties. We have to grind grain to make porridge which is what we eat mostly.

Minhaj: So you eat cereals and conquer the world.

Soldier: Yup. Our diet is mostly vegetarian. We also do drills constantly and march 20 miles a day carrying up to 90 pounds in armor and supplies. How was your day?

Minhaj: I walked over to caribou and drank hot chocolate. I also went to Whole Foods. Their cookies section exceeded all my expectations. I have to say though that your life is tougher than what I imagined.

Soldier: seriously that’s how it is here. Try to understand us instead of relying on Netflix.

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Columbiana: Revenge is Beautiful (and sometimes unbelievable)

Spoiler Alert: This review will reveal how the film ends

Cataleya, a beautiful and nimble assasin is hunting for her parent’s killer. She can climb walls, and move through the ventilation shaft swiftly and kill people while looking great. She is very good with guns and explosives but she is also artistic. When she kills a person, she likes to draw a flower on her victim’s body. Its her signature and her way of sending a message to the killer of her parents. She doesn’t believe in email. After several killings the strategy does work and Cataleya is able to track down her parent’s killer. He is an evil man who lives in a fortified mansion and runs a criminal organization in sunny South America.

Cataleya alone attacks this heavily guarded mansion using her gymnastic skills to kill the guards. As they quickly fell dead, the question came to mind, Who hired these incompetent guards? The mansion guards must have lied on their resume. Nonsensical lies such as, I have 5 years experience in defending fortified mansions, I can shoot an intruder and I am very difficult to kill and have some knowledge of HTML. As Cataleya attacks them they always forget to look left or behind and that is exactly where she is standing with a gun. If they were looking up then she was beneath them or when they are looking down she is on the roof. Her feats would not qualify as athletic but more magical. We are not shown how she gets on the roof so quickly or always finds that one hidden spot where no one is looking. She just does it because she is beautiful and angry and the laws of physics respect her too much to interfere with her mission.

After killing all the guards, Cataleya now challenges the Vice President of this evil organization. For some reason the fight turns into a hand to hand combat in one of the bedrooms. At one point Cataleya uses a toothbrush to attack him. I felt this dental approach was unprofessional. You can’t kill the Vice President of an evil organization with a toothbrush! He worked very hard to get to that position. He deserves some respect, at least kill him with a knife or blow him apart with a machine gun. I know its fashionable these days for assassins to use whatever they can get their hands on, but using a toothbrush in a fight to death is going too far. And where does this end? Will she strangle him with dental floss? Will she make him gargle for more than 30 seconds with mint flavored Scope all the while berating him about his irregular flossing?

Finally we get to the main villain who is hiding in a secret room with a religious statue. While it is only natural to turn to God at times of stress it was also dissapointing that this most evil man, the big boss of this very evil group had no guts. He was the whole reason why Cataleya existed. He was the reason she had become such an amazing killer and roof climber and an unbeatable player of hide & seek. Sadly he shows no initiative and simply flees his own mansion, yelling something along the lines of I will get you for this. He finds a truck and drives away angrily. But does this parent killing, God fearing man get away? Yes but only far enough to fall into Cataleya’s trap. You see inside the truck are two very aggressive dogs, that Cataleya had been training. At her command, they attack the evil man, and shred him to pieces, eating him alive as he howls in pain. I guess in this last moment the movie does defy cliches and stereotype because the notion that dog is man’s best friend is severely challenged. Let that be a lesson for anyone who lives in a fortified mansion and hires guards who lie on their resume.

Click to Watch Trailer:

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How to Win a Wrestling Match in Ancient Athens

Games were held in ancient Athens to celebrate religious festivals…and I don’t mean boring board games. Ancient Athenians were very hands on. They had events like horse racing, long jump and wrestling. Physical fitness, they felt, would please the Gods. Times were different back then. Boxing was worship. So how could an athlete win a wrestling match? There was no concept of technical knock out or ‘hey you tried and that’s what counts…well done to the both of you…lets call it a draw…in a way we are all winners.’ They were not like that. Victory went to one man. The wrestler could only win by dropping his opponent to the ground 3 times. So if you have access to a time machine, you are about to travel 2500 years back in time, and want to pursue a career in wrestling, this blog has really really helped you. Do mention Hi There News in your victory speech and enjoy the olives. Good luck on your journey and pack light because they wrestled naked.

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Who are the Desis?

Join the Desi adventure…

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The Avengers

“War has started and we are hopelessly outgunned.”

Yes, they are all in it. But can they work as a team? I really respect Incredible Hulk, because instead of wearing very tight clothes like other super heroes he just likes to be naked. Earth will no doubt be attacked by ambitious villains in even tighter clothing. But guess what? Samuel Jackson is fighting for earth. We are going to win this. And look at that guy. How calm is he while falling from a high rise building. That is what I call focus. That’s what it takes to be a superhero. I don’t think I have that. I would be crying.

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2012 Fiction Pulitzer Prize goes to…

No one! Yes ladies and gentlemen! Since the judges votes were tied, no one gets the prize! The finalists who will not receive $10,000 are:

Train Dreams by Denis Johnson a story about a day laborer in the old American West.

The Pale King by the late David Foster Wallace a story that explores boredom in American bureaucratic workplace.

Swamplandia! by Karen Russell a story about an eccentric family and their failing alligator-wrestling theme park.

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Calm Down Sun!

The Sun was in a bad mood on Monday, unleashing super heated plasma that lashed out at Space. It was not directed at us though. It was the left side of the sun that was angry. We on earth are safe. For now. I contacted the sun and she said, “Oh I’m just having a blast…Get it?” I laughed as loudly as I could because you don’t want to mess with someone like that. I also told her that she is really really hot.

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Fast Food in Ancient Rome?

Did they also have take out?

Soldier: I just got back from war, all that marching and conquering… so exhausting! What’s for lunch?
Wife: Nothing.
Soldier: Nothing! I am famished! Every time we hail Caesar, I think of salad. Surely you made something…
Wife: What do you think this is? Palace of Cleopatra? We are eating out.
Soldier: Fine! I’ll get my sandals.

You could expect these kind of conversations in the homes of Ancient Rome. Most homes in ancient Rome did not have proper kitchens. Which is why the soldier’s wife responded with sarcasm. But they could always eat out. The couple would have many eating options in that amazing city. Bars, restaurants and bakeries were all over the city. They could also order the food for take out. You could expect a lot of things on the menu, from olives, to sea food, bread of course..they also cut meat into small cubes which they roasted and this was very popular among them. Just knowing that the Romans were into fast food makes me feel closer them.

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Why So Secretive in Ancient Egypt?

In ancient Egypt, when a baby was born, they would give the baby two names. One name would always remain secret and only the mother knew this secret name. The other name was public by which the baby would be known to the world. So why was this? The reason was that Ancient Egyptians believed in magic. They literally believed it…and not like us these days when we say, ‘oh thanks for a magical evening, I hope we can meet again at Starbucks…’ Ancient Egyptians were very serious about magic. We have records of priests being arrested for doing magic against the Pharaoh.

So the way the magic worked was, that if you knew someone’s name you could do magic on them. Stuff like, ‘May Jack spill beer on himself and be most embarrassed at the pyramid picnic,’ or even worse, ‘may Jack’s novel which he has written on papyrus burn in fire because he has not made a copy.’ But these magic spells would only work on a person’s real name. So Jack is safe against magic because his real and secret name is Henry. That’s why he looks so serene and confident. Just look at that face.

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Our Idiot Brother

Who doesn't want that sweater?

Meet pacifist organic farmer Ned. He lives mostly on a farm and says man in every sentence. Ned is the most chilled out person on earth. When his girl friend cheats on him, steals his dog, and kicks him out of the farm, Ned summarizes all his anger by saying you know what? wow.  That is the height of his anger! He does like to deal drugs though and gets into trouble when he tries to sell to a stressed out cop in uniform! After getting out of prison Ned is broke and homeless and must rely on his mother and 3 sisters so that he can get back to doing things that really matter. He has been experimenting to create an amazing new kind of vegetable called the Tomion which will be half tomato and half onion, so that humanity can save time when they make spaghetti sauce. Unfortunately his family fails to understand the importance of this project.

Trailer

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British Man Enthusiastic About Novel

Go see why the British are so excited about this.

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A Swimming Pool for You

An Artist's Impression of Quasar (Image Credit to NASA.GOV) Yeah, something that cool does exist.

You know how sometimes the swimming pool is too crowded and you desire privacy. Problem solved. That picture up there, that my friend is Quasar, a swimming pool in outer space. But very different from the one you would find at the Marriots. Its bigger. About one hundred thousand times bigger than the sun, it holds about 140 trillion times more water than our planet. So relax, you will get your own lane. You can do the back stroke, the butterfly or float at your pace. But getting to the Quasar might take a while. Light from the Quasar has travelled a distance of 12 billion miles to reach us on earth. So when scientists observe the Quasar today, they are seeing how it looked 1.6 billion years ago. When it was young.  Just like those profile pictures on face book.

 

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Total Recall Looks Fantastic!

Now this is a movie. Comes out in August, 2012. I’m going in with popcorn and a large coke. Check out the trailer for the original Total Recall:

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A great moment

Our Beautiful Earth Needs Leadership

I made a passionate speech at the United Nations recently to all the world leaders. Great moment. Lots of crying…promises for the future. I guess you really had to be there inside my brain where it was all happening…

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